Grief of Death
(Coping with death is difficult)
There are many beautiful memories in life, but there is also pain. One can trigger intense feelings of grief after losing loved one. It’s so strange how people promise to one another that for example when husband/wife promises their partners that he/she will be with him/her all the time during marriage as a sign of love, parent’s promise that they will be with their children in all their ups and downs and many more. But in reality it’s not possible because death is uncertain, we do not know when we are going to lose whom. We just live, hoping all will be with us but suddenly when any of this kind happens then it’s very poignant moment and hard truth to accept but we often forget that its nature of life, the one who born should also has to die and none of us cannot skip from this phase some people leave their body early and some later. It is very difficult to describe the pain of death and being practical at that time is even more difficult but it’s important to be practical in that situation. Death is that it does in fact come with a warning sign, it comes in the form of unexpected gesture or a debatable behavior. Death comes with set of terms and conditions, that is how it is impossible to feel better again. You try your best to console everybody and everybody else tries to console you it’s just like endless cycle of trying to decrease other’s sadness by increasing your own. Making your heart spill out, not little by little but all at once and at that you feel all the pain of all the losses the world has borne and rejoice that you are not the only one. The anxiety kills you.
On 23rd I got call from my Mom, her voice was weird I asked her what happened? she started saying don’t worry much and don’t cry, my heart started beating even more faster than the earlier and I was scared because she was not saying anything correctly then I yelled to say properly what happened then she said that your grand pa is no more after hearing her I took a pause for few seconds and then asked her how it happened because it was sudden death. I ended the call I didn’t said anything to my roomies. My grand ma used to say that when you hear death news if you are not able to go for their funeral then you should suppose take bath. So I went for bath locked the door and cried like a hell inside and entered the room as if nothing had happened. When someone you love dies, you feel the pain of thousands of firecrackers burst inside you not a celebration, but of things like disappointment and regret, of the things are never going to be yours again. You experience heart break every time you think of them and realize that they don’t have your back anymore. When someone you love leaves you, you hope for them to come back even if it’s another form that hope, hope is just a figment of our imagination vying for the most diplomatic situation. My grand pa was a very practical man and he used to say there is nothing called impossible, everything is possible if there is strong will power to do. Whenever we meet, we used to have long talk (last time when we were talking that was even more long talk. Might be he knew that he is not going to meet me again so he continued talking) about his early life, problems he faced, how to speak with people, how to be practical all the time, it was very interesting to listen to him. I was not able to control my emotions; I wanted to cry recalling him and realizing that I won’t be able to see me again. After few minutes I relaxed myself and went out of the room and sat in the garden. I started asking myself what happened now. Can I change it? If so how can I change? If not, what should I do now? I started analyzing the situation then I came to know that I cannot do anything except crying because its law of life. I understood that if I continue shed tears like this I will fall sick. Again I started asking myself that, how emotional less I am? You lost your grandfather you were so close to him don’t you feel to cry? But I got answer from my soul, saying ‘you don’t reacted when you heard that news instead you had chosen to respond by thinking practically and most important thing is there were no one in the bathroom when you cried as if one’s heart would break, so stop asking meaningless questions.
I miss him a lot, whenever I go to home I recall his talk, the place where we used to sit and killed the time. I miss him very badly and use cry lying on my mother’s lap. My point is, I am not saying you, not to cry but I am saying you to ask yourself what you will get after crying? You may call me alexithymics but I know that I am emotional.
